My Sixty-Ninth Blog Post Ever...The Love Dare: Day 27

Day 27: Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.

Unrealistic expectations can kill a marriage.

I really believe that.

Matt and I have been married for twelve years, and I have had so many unrealistic expectations of him during that time. Let's see...I've expected him to not fall asleep at night when we haven't settled an argument (even though he's been up since the crack of dawn, to provide for me, and will be getting up in just a few more hours), and I've expected him to come home energized and ready to play after a hard day's work (and a sleepless night because his wife wouldn't let him sleep because an argument hadn't been settled)!

I think the biggest expectation I've had of Matt has been for him to just know what I'm thinking. I can't count how many times I've said to him, "I shouldn't have to tell you that...you should just know." Well the good news is this...just because Matthew McConaughey, Tom Cruise and Hugh Grant appear to know what their women are thinking at all times doesn't mean that my real life Matt knows anything that I'm thinking. I say that is good news because all three of those actors irritate me to no end. The more time I spend with my real life man, the less intrigued and even put off I am by someone else's fantasy of what true love is.

Matt and I are attending training to become foster parents. Our trainer told us a story about a time she was doing a routine home visit with a foster family. The mom was washing dishes at the kitchen sink, and the little boy, Mikey, was sitting in the kitchen near her. Mikey said, "I sure do like licorice." The mom said nothing. Mikey again said, "Yep...I think licorice is great." At this point the social worker was thinking to herself, "C'mon mom...give the kid some licorice already." Mikey piped up one more time, "I really like that licorice." It was then that mom said, "Mikey, in this house it's ok to just ask for what you want." Mikey asked for the licorice, and was given some. Mikey had learned a form of manipulation which he was using to attempt to get what he wanted. It stemmed from an insecurity of not having needs or desires met, cared about or even acknowledged. It's hard to ask for something when you are pretty sure the answer will be negative...or worse yet, the question not even heard.

I can relate to Mikey in this scenario, and I have also used manipulation many times with Matt. We finally came to a point where Matt told me, "I wish you would just tell me what you are thinking rather than try to make me figure it out. I will do anything for you." It's the "I will do anything for you," part that is hard for a girl, mistreated by and abandoned by her daddy, to believe. But, it's the "I will do anything for you," part that is easy for a woman, who is loved by her Savior reflected through her spouse, to believe. When I finally decided to take Matt at his word, and stop the manipulation tactics and just tell him my thoughts and desires...WOW...the outpouring of love towards me was and is indescribable. How am I that lovable? How am I that worthy of someone who would literally do anything for me?

I'm not.

But I have a husband who is willing to serve his King by serving his wife.

And I would never have known, had I not laid down my unrealistic expectations.

My Sixty-Eighth Blog Post Ever...The Love Dare: Day 26

Day 26: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness, then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.

I took some time to pray over my areas of wrongdoing. God brought several to my heart and mind...but the underlying theme in my wrongdoings is disrespect.

Respect.

It really is what a man desires most.

Respect from his dad.

Respect from his mom.

Respect from his colleagues.

Respect from his children.

Respect from his wife.

"...and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33

Respect for my husband goes down the drain when I roll my eyes at him, talk to him like he is a child, finish his sentences for him, and when I act annoyed when he requests something of me.

It's a struggle within. I really do love my husband. I really do think he is an amazing person. I really do think he can do anything. But, my actions are not always consistent with my thoughts.

God, forgive me for disrespecting my husband... this beautiful creation you made for me to delight in. Forgive me for the times I don't delight in Matt. Help me to always see him the way you do...as precious and worthy of respect. Help me be slow to anger. Give me patience when I want to rush Matt's sentences on. Let my face show only love to Matt, not annoyance. There really is nobody else on this planet I would rather be with. Let Matt know that...not only by my words, but by my actions.

And yes, friends...that little orange rectangle above is a real book I just stumbled upon. I think I know what I'll be adding to my reading list.

My Sixty-Seventh Blog Post Ever...The Love Dare: Day 25

Day 25: Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Let it go. Just as we ask Jesus to "forgive us our debts" each day, we must ask Him to help us "forgive our debtors" each day as well. Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long. Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

I have attempted many times to come up with something inspiring that has to do with forgiveness...and I am at a loss! I've typed a few things, only to hit the delete button.

Unforgiveness continues to be a struggle for me...and I know first hand how it leads to bitterness, anger and regret.

Forgiving my spouse isn't just a one time deal...for me it's daily, hourly and even minute by minute. That's not to say Matt does SO many things that I need to forgive him for...why I must choose to forgive often is because I let old wounds rear their ugly heads, and I must choose at those times to forgive...again.

Oh, God...please forgive me...and let me forgive, freely...You and I both know I don't need to carry any extra weight around!

My Sixty-Sixth Blog Post Ever...The Love Dare...Day 24

Day 24: End it now. Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Single out every lie you've swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it. Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom. It must be killed and destroyed today and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.


One of my favorite scenes in the movie, Fireproof, is when Caleb is on the computer when a link to a porn site pops up. His wife was completely aware that watching pornography was a regular activity of his...and it was just one of the many reasons their marriage was falling apart. But on this particular day, rather than feeding his lust, Caleb picked up the computer, took it outside, and shattered it with a baseball bat. When his wife came home that evening she found, on the computer desk, a bouquet of roses with a note that said, "I love you more."

Lust isn't only found in a desire for someone other than my spouse...it can also be found in a desire for possessions, or popularity. Lust doesn't look the same for everyone. But lust is always deceiving. Lust looks pretty on the outside, but leads to shame.

God, please remove every ounce of lust in my heart for anything that does not bring glory to You or my spouse. Help Matt know that I love him more.

My Sixty-Fifth Blog Post Ever...The Love Dare: Day 23

Day 23: Remove anything that is hindering your relationship, any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

Pondering time here, friends.

My own expectations jump out to me as something that hinders my relationship. What I wrestle with is the idea of not having expectations...removing them. Shouldn't I have some expectations of my relationship and of my husband? Is it really so bad for those expectations to be high? I'm not sure that expectations are wrong, but my selfish reaction when I am disappointed that those expectations haven't been met is wrong. So, I suppose then, that the hindrance is not the expectation, but my reaction.

What about those hindrances that aren't mine, but are Matt's? Where is his responsibility in this? It is frustrating to feel like I'm attempting change when he isn't. Blah. I know that is a big part of The Love Dare. It's about my heart change...not any change from my spouse.

Completely and unselfishly loving another person is difficult... it seems it will take a miracle.

My SIxty-Fourth Blog Post Ever...The Love Dare: When Push Comes to Shove

Some of you may be wondering where The Love Dare has gone!!!!

Well, I got mad at it and took a little break. Yes. The Love Dare is hard.

Matt has been out of town on business for the last couple of weeks. He came home, though, for the weekend. We had one full day together...Saturday.

We argued the ENTIRE day.

I won't go into the details...but it was not a pretty sight.

I for sure broke rules one and two from Day 13.

Matt even said to me that he thought I wouldn't share on my blog that I had broken the rules. And I said...ok, yelled...that of course I would and that I hated The Love Dare.

So there it is.

I won't be winning any Proverbs 31 woman wife award anytime soon.

And I'm still a bit angry.

I think it's time to crack open that little brown book again...